Codependency is a very common topic when you talk about moving on from your ex. A lot of times we are in relationships and we become attached to and dependent on another person: be it a spouse or a significant other. Codependency becomes a top reason why you may choose not to move on.
You have become dependent on something. You begin to view another person as your source or something that you need in order to survive. So, the question is how do you transition from codependency to independency? I am going to refer you to your mind. What is your thought process? In this world, in this life, in this universe, there is nothing that was created that didn’t have a thought first.
What I am telling you is that everything is figureoutable, but it first starts with a thought. Marie Forleo wrote a book called, Everything Is Figureoutable.” It is a great book and I know this to be true.
When I was going through my divorce, I eventually begin to believe that there was a way for me to get out of my devastating situation, if I wanted there to be a way. Have you ever heard of the phrase, “Wherever there is a will, there is a way?” If you want to get out of that muddy place that you are in, you have to make a decision. You have to make a choice and put forth effort, if you really want to become independent and whole. It is all up to you. There is not one thing that you can’t figure. It’s about finding ways to become independent.
You were whole before you met your ex. You were whole before you had children. You were here and it was just you before everything in your life came along. So, why is it that you can’t go back to that whole state? Your mind begins to tell you that you need your ex to survive. And you believe it. The moment that you believe it, then, it is absolutely true in your reality. The moment that you begin to make up your mind to believe something new and something different is the moment that will allow you to begin to step away from dependency and you will step into the realm of independence.
Make a plan. Write your plan down. Ask yourself by what ways can I get from point A to point B. Ask yourself how can you achieve this transformation. Once your brain and mind begins to think in the way of change, you can begin to implement this in your life. Let’s say for an example, you depended on your ex for financial support. Take the time to ask yourself how you can get to goal X so that you don’t have to depend on your ex. Do you need to get a job? Do you need to enter into entrepreneurship? Do you need to have childcare in place? You begin to map out a plan.
In my situation, I had recently had a baby. I was working part time. I was living in Los Angeles. There was no way that I could survive on that job, pay for a 2 bedroom apartment, childcare and pay bills. Fear came in and took over. Fear told me to die. It told me to give up. It told me to run away. It told me that I was defeated. It told me that I was not going to make it. Before my marriage, I had always been an independent person. When I entered my marriage, it was like I became a new person. I became so dependent on my spouse. Yes, it took me time. I questioned myself. I asked myself how can I make my life better, how am I going to survive, how was I going to provide for two very young daughters, and how can I win for my girls. At that point in my life, I didn’t want to be here on this planet; I wanted to die. The ounce of hope that I got to move on was from my two daughters. And I figured it out.
I said to myself that if I was going to stay in Los Angeles, California and be able to provide for my family, I was going to have to apply for new jobs. I searched for people who could help me take care of my kids at an affordable rate. It took time. I even did Lyft to make ends meet while also having my part time job. So, everything is figureoutable. You can figure it out.
It’s about what you want to do with your life. Your life is very important. This is a crucial moment. Codependency is one of the toughest things to break after experiencing a breakup or divorce. And that is because your mind has become accustomed to the idea that you believe that you need your ex to survive. It is like taking 2 sheets of paper with glue on each piece and putting them together. Breaking that apart can be one of the challenging things to do. But, guess what? It can be done. It is up to you to say that I am going to choose to figure it out. It is up to you to ask yourself what you are going to do to get from point A to point B.
It can be a struggle. You are going to have to train your mind, train your thoughts, and revamp your beliefs. My motto is: the moment that someone walks out of your life, be polite and say bye. It is then time for you to start thinking on your own. Your actions are controlled by you. If you believe that you need your ex to survive, then guess what? You do need your ex to survive. There is no argument about that. A fire has to rise inside of you that clicks in your mind that causes you to change your mindset and to do something different. This fire will let you know that you can do it and that it is all possible.
Think about all the high technology devices that we have now in this time. Imagine telling someone that lived back in the 16th century that we would be able to walk around with devices in our hands that sends messages over space that connects with someone else in the world. They would probably laugh and look at you with perplexity. But the ones who were thinking outside of the box and choosing to think differently at that time, to those, it wasn’t a far fetched idea. Those were the ones who were thinking, “Hey! We can get there. But it is going to take time. These are the steps that we are going to have to take to get there if we want this to happen.”
When you are preparing your journey and mapping it out, put things into action. Take it one step at a time. To you it may seem like it’s 5 flights of stairs. You can make it up 5 flights of stairs. Let me tell you how you can do that. You move one foot, and then, the other foot. You take it one step at a time. And then, eventually, you will make it up those stairs. You will go up to the top.
Plan it out. Question yourself. Figure it out. Come up with multiple ways. Options a, b, c, d, e, f. That is exactly what I did. If a plan A doesn’t work out, then I will do plan B. That is what I said to myself. It’s all about how you are thinking and what you are planning to do in your life.
Breaking codependency can be a struggle. I had to wake up. I had to snap out of it. I asked myself how bad I wanted it. I asked myself if I was ready. I wasn’t ready at first because I was trying to convince my ex husband that we were a family and that I needed him, and that I needed him for this and that, and that he needed to do this and that for me. I also waited for my ex to come back.
The moment that you decide to change your mind and say, “Hey, I’m going to do this! And I am going to be ok! That is the moment that you will see the breakthrough that you really need in your life. It is your thoughts. What are you thinking right now? Are you still thinking that you still need your ex to survive? I will tell you that that statement is false. It is true to you if you choose to believe it.
Revamp your thinking. Revamp your mindset. Make the commitment to yourself. It starts with you. Everything starts with you. Let what you know and believe, after you’ve revamped your thinking, come out and then, put it into action so that you can see the transformation in your life. When you do that, you are only becoming better, you are only becoming stronger, you are only becoming wiser, and you are only becoming greater. There will be a point where you look back over your life, and you will ask yourself, “What was I thinking at that time? How could I even think that at that time? And why did I wait so long? I should have made changes sooner.” Your mind can have you thinking that you need to waste time and sit there and become stuck in your situation if you allow it. It will have you always being needy.
Everything that you need is already within you. When you came out of your mothers womb, you had everything that you needed. The only thing that you needed was development and guidance. Continue to develop yourself. Continue to let your true self come out. The more clarity and development you have, the more you will be guided away from mess.
Take the time to write down where it is that you want to be in your life. Come up with 5 different ways you can get there. Then, act on it. The feeling and the belief that you need to be codependent can be overcome, but only if you choose to do it. So, what are you thinking right now?